A Snapshot

For twenty dollars
you can buy all the food it would ever take
to fill even a large man’s stomach
and lay in the sun beside the ocean
and sleep.

We live well
compared to others we do not see.
Well enough to not think about them
but once or twice a month at best,
on the off occasion
that they stray onto a path
obstructing our momentum.

We see them then
but in all the wrong ways
and with all the wrong thoughts -
as the king sees the angry masses,
as the newly sober sees his tipping point,
as the uncertain see all the awful possibilities.
A reminder,
not of what we could do to become better
but of what we shouldn’t do to become worse.

1. I’ve been stalking UO way more than usual - but that’s okay, since I’ve been prowling OTTE, Gilt Groupe, and La Garconne just as much, so it’s not like I’m neglecting my usuals. I’ve narrowed down my clothing must-haves down to a boyfriend-cum-little-brother blazer (seen here and here), a slouchy-yet-fitted grey cardigan (the more classic one here or the interestingly silhouetted fit here), this doctor bag (seen here in a lovely dirt brown), and sequins galore (this sequined cardigan in grey, this brushed metal skirt in raspberry or black, this argyle tee, these gold sequined flats, and you can’t see this very well but its the “väst” in the middle). And isn’t this just the cutest idea? Oh, UO. How you tempt me. Hint, hint, guys. Hint, hint.

2. I did not just piss my pants because American Apparel announced that they opened a new store in Valley Fair. Seriously, I didn’t. I.. I just got excited, is all. Especially about the prospect of owning these two-tone tights. Black/Sand Dollar and Raisin/Twilight are just win. And oh my good gravy I will take one of these in every color, please. But first in Sangria and the color this blogger is wearing!

3. I want to make little furniture babies with this creation. Urban Outfitters does no wrong. They really don’t.

4. Pros of Marc by Marc Jacobs coming to SJ: I don’t have to commute all the way to SF for my MJ fix. Cons: Neither do other people, effectively destroying the air of exclusivity. That being said, isn’t this chain clutch cute? Seriously digging the gold, purple, and red. And this leather jacket is hot in a way that I definitely cannot afford. But these doodle printed leggings are so freaking awesome I’m going to ignore the fact that I could get four pairs of tights for the same price. Seriously. Awesome.

5. I wish Wildfox Couture sold their clothes a little closer to home as opposed to, you know, a minimum of 40 miles away. But I can always hope and dream for this tennis sweatshirt, this vintagesque prep sweater, this slouchy Malibu burnout tee, and this logo tee. And gosh, I love their photography. It’s a blend of the seamless styling of UO and the raw appeal of American Apparel, all taken with a vintage Polaroid and then further blurred through layers of grainy noise. Destruction is perfection.

6. OMG GOLD OXFORDS I WORSHIP. Now I just need to pick between the snazzy, hi-q version at Saks (here), and the cheaper, yet authentic, set on Etsy (here).

Be prepared for a beauty quicknotes later this week.. I would have added it to the end but I want to go a little into detail for that and don’t want to waste any more of your time. So, another post!

xoCG

Caroline, this is why you fail at math. Because you are a woman.

I was going through a couple of old family photos that supposedly captured my “first snowfall”, which is doubtful because I look about six or seven in them. It might be more accurate to say it was my first snowfall EXPERIENCED since my parents locked me up for the first five years of my life.

This more or less explains my lack of social skills (some may call it a mental disability, I prefer more colorful language) upon entering kindergarten and, subsequently, elementary school, which only further set me up for future failure and social-outcastdom.

I wish being bipolar was cool again. Imagine. I’d be the most popular kid around. I’d be so goddamn popular, I would challenge people to beat me in my bipolarity and win without mercy. I would steadily grow fame, do a few talk shows, and get a supporting role on a Disney show. I would start to go crazy from the media and proceed to get addicted to crystal meth, be forced into doing rehab.

I would eventually get photographed underwearless and then get my own reality TV show on VH1 about my experiences in rehab. Later I would quit the show, quit rehab, and write a book about bipolarity and rehab that would launch me to the top of the charts again. The book would garner such success that I would be offered my own talk show where I would offer advice and a shoulder to cry on to those who weren’t making over a nine million a year.

I would then further sell out by selling the rights to my book into a movie that would go on to win several Academy Awards. I would soon be driven mad by the media once more and return to drugs. I would be caught smuggling drugs but get off with only a warning due to my superhuman status. And finally, I would end my very successful and notorious career by publicly breaking down and crying that “I only wanted to be a normal child.”

My parents don’t quite agree with my career plan as described above, but they just refuse to acknowledge my potential.

They’ll be sorry when I have my own reality show.

Movies I am dying to see:

The Blind Side, with Sandra Bullock. (trailer in previous post) It’s coming out on the 20th. Movie date anyone?

Shutter Island, with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Brothers, with Jake Gyllenhaal, Tobey MacGuire, and Natalie Portman SERIOUSLY HOW CAN THIS MOVIE NOT BE AWESOME. If it is not 100% pure win I’m going to have to shoot someone. Oh wait we can’t say that because the Teen Truth assembly may lead someone to actually believe that. Uhh.. I’m going to have to strangle a puppy? I’m going to have to.. not to do homework for a week? DAMN YOU TEEN TRUTH ASSEMBLY.

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, with Jake Gyllenhaal. I really didn’t have high hopes for this since I play the video games (NOT OBSESSIVELY) and come on, game-to-movie crossovers never work out (point in case: Resident Evil. Only one I liked was DOA, but only because it was a) hecka funny and b) I don’t play the game). But Jake’s accent is pretty good and he looks hecka cute. SHALLOWNESS WINS.

And finally.. James Cameron’s Avatar, with actors whom I do not know. I couldn’t pay attention to anything but the epic war scenes and the hottie blue people with glowing freckles. Dammit I want glowing freckles now. Think about how kewl I’ll be at the next school dance.

I feel that this movie is a thinly veiled mockery/focus on the wars in Iraq and others. As the U.S. fights those countries with oil and other valuable resources, these humans are fighting in search of a substance that sells for 20 million a kilo on earth, and are not above ruthlessly killing the Na’vians to meet their needs. Instead of looking from a onesided view like the Americans, this movie shows the brutality and evil of the attackers, who view the natives as savages. The strong prey on the weak and nobody does a thing.

You could even take this farther back and think of it as a comparison to the African tribes invaded by the Europeas, who seek to take all of their resources – primarily gold and silver – and ruin them. I think this movie adresses the Westernized ideal (and as of recently, globalized; the victims are now becoming the bullies) of assuming that they are entitled to another people’s land because they are more “civilized”. They’re no more civilized than the “savages” whose land they usurp.

And now I’m about to go off on a tangent, so.. just watch the freaking trailer already.

Ahh. Beautiful landscaping. It’s a breathtaking blend of Miyazaki’s Castle in the Sky, Naausica, and every insane drug ever, taken at the same time.

In a nutshell: CAN’T WAIT FOR DECEMBER 18. I hope my tl;dr analysis of the movie counted as some actual writing!

Okay. I have approximately fifteen minutes to writebefore leaving for class. Let’s see what I can do!

First of all. I can’t.. really… see. So forgive me if a typo or two (or three, or four..) pops up. Leaning forward and squinting is giving me a pounding headache, so I’m just going to wing this and try not to screw up too much.

Hey there guys.. not sure if anyone will see this before school tomorrow, hehe. I’m getting this urge to backspace and start over like I normally do, but seeing as I’ve put out well, less than top-notch quality the last few weeks, I’m going to go ahead and write whatever comes to my mind

I’m really craving shiny things. And chocolate. Godammit, is this what it feels like to be a girl? Constantly hungering for gold and Godiva and other sweets derived from the cacao bean? That might have sounded clever if I had actually put thought into it. I didn’t. So excuse the strange turn of phrase.

Specifically, I’m really looking for some BLING. Like a black sequined vest (or zip-up jeacket, I’m not picky). And gold oxfords, or gold shoes in general. Some heavy artillery. The usual. I’m usually a pretty dull dresser – I tend to gravitate towards navy blue, black, and various shades of grey. So this winter I’m trying to incorporate a little color into my usually bland dressing. Red and purple mostly, but I’m lately I’ve been feeling this swing towards sequins and shiny lame (how the HECK do you get that accent over the e in this stupid WordPress interface.. oh well, you get what I mean).

I’m also feeling this, what do you call it, PULL to be a little more artsy. Watercoloring, sketching, designing – my room is a literal hellhole of clothes and magazines and art supplies. Basically, I feel guilty about my parents dropping a few Benajmins on my art college shiz for the summer and now I’m trying to put it to good use. It’s not bad. I still remember how to watercolor (mostly.. I keep spilling and ruining the paper) and have scratched out a few sweet designs for the fashion show (both school AND SF Uni Square.. yeah, I’m that pro. Also I think I’m using too many of these smiley-face things.. parentheses or whatever they’re called.

I’m so boring.. I wish I led a more interesting life but you know they always say to be careful for you wish for. I don’t want “interesting” to be read as “shitloads of drama”. And for goshsakes I can’t figure out whether the stupid period goes inside the quotation marks or outside of it.

I’m feeling really homesick for summer right now. Although, winter is right around the bend and that equals shopping and eggnog and black Santas and Christmas carols at the piano. We were writing this journal for summer in Lit today and I was describing my connections with summer. By the time I got to the “juxtaposition of the hot summer sun and the cool wetness of the poolwater” I felt like I was ready to hurl, literally. I’m THAT sick.

Looks like my time is up. Gosh I know this post will suck. I’m probably going to go back later when I can actually SEE and go “Oh my god what was I thinking when I wrote this?!”

But that’s part of the appeal, I suppose, and all of the reason I write.

xoCG.

There’s no doubt about it. I’m going to France even if I have to buy the ticket myself.

My mom SAID I could go for the six months long program if I got a 2200 on my SATs. And now it seems she only agreed to the two week program offered at LHS, whose deadline passed LONG before she agreed to the idea.

Forget this. She’s an Asian parent. AS IF our parents actually care about our health and shit. If it endangers our grades and our schoolwork (and thereby destroying any hopes of going to a college that they can brag about to the other parents) then it’s out. So I see no reason as to why she would object to this. My credits would all transfer and if anything the experience would only make me appear more appealing to colleges.

Her argument is that I bought a camera so I could be in yearbook. Well, I’m not in it, and I don’t plan on trying to get it again because a) I’ll have to obsess over it again and b) if I get in I’ll be forced to stay in LHS. She claims that I have no interest in anything and I can’t keep my head straight. UNTRUE. I have a VERY good idea of where I’m headed and I know exactly what I have to do to get there. If I want to hop on a plane to go to France then LET ME. I’m going to choke if I stay here any longer.

Point two. She claims that I’m too stubborn to adapt to another culture. I’m “antisocial” and “hostile” and there’s no way I can live with another family for six months. Whenever we go to gatherings and parties I keep out of the adults’ way, and this is just another point she uses against me.

Well why would I want to hang out with a bunch of drunken, rambunctious adults who can’t wait to tell me how fat I’ve been looking recently, or how I should stop hanging out in the sun and getting a tan if I want to find a man? Who craves attention like that? Not me. Yet accepting the catcalls and insults graciously seems to signify the perfect Indian girl to my mom.

And this all sounds very nice and logical except for the fact it isn’t. Who’s to say I won’t try and adapt? And why the HELL would I act out and sabotage my chances of staying in France? I’m not dumb, and I’m not retarded. I don’t lack any serious social skills, and I’m a pretty damn good chameleon.

Point three. I recently came down with an eye infection, and my mom claims that were I to get sick in France, my host family would leave me to die. Uhh, I’m sorry but WHAT? Would YOU do that to a host kid? That exchange student from Germany? He was sick for a good WEEK, and I’m pretty damn sure he wasn’t shoved in a cellar to die. People get sick all the time. Learning to deal with the problem is a part of maturing. But it seems like I can’t even be trusted to mature.

I HAVE to go to France. When else could I go? After college? There’s kids, work. and taxes to take care of. During college? Yeah right, because I can totally afford to leave school right in between midterms.

I know a lot of people – especially those who mean a lot to me – don’t want me to go. Or they don’t want this to happen to me, of all people. Those are the downers, the “but you suck at French”-ers. But who gives a shit about them? It’s just.. I really need to do this. And if you love me, you’ll let me go.

//rant.

-xoCG.

Today, I changed all of my friends’ names on Gchat to names from Harry Potter and all of the annoying people’s names to names from Twilight. I then invited them to a group chat. Right now I am chatting with Hermione, Ron, Fred and George, and Voldemort. We are currently dissing Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. My parents think I have interesting friends. MLIA

GUYS GO TO SUBMISSIONS, LOOK FOR IT AND VOTE VOTE VOTE KTHX.

Don’t Google that last word.

Highlights of Halloween. I’m just far too lazy ATM to write this up properly. Forgive me. I may or may not have OD’d on sugar.

May or may not, of course.

1. Doing the splits in Christine’s living room, and then proceeding to ruin my chances with freak out her brother by telling him how much I OMG LOVE YER BLOG111!11 ITZ SO HAWT and yeah. Good stuff.

2. Racing from house to house. Most running I’ve done in a while, that’s for sure.

3. Cutting across lawns and jumping over bushes to beat Caroline to the doorbell.

4. Screaming at the aforementioned bushes when I realized it was several feet high and prickled with thorns. And jumping back after hovering over said bush like a freak, yelping. YEP I’M PRETTY COORDINATED. Sorry if that sentence gave you an eye migraine.

5. Getting owned by the little kids dressed in black who jumped out and screamed at us in an attempt to scare us. Well, it was really only Care getting owned. And Cathy.  And Christine. So pretty much everyone besides me. (And my manry wifey).

6. “So what are you?” “Oh, I clean.”* *jerks thumb towards inside house* “Hey, get in here!” “But you see it’s IRONIC because I don’t actually clean. FUNNY HUH.” “Yeah, totally.” *I was a French maid. Interesting looks all around.

7. Clip clop clip clop.. SILENCE. OMGROFLCOPTERMACARONIANDCHEESE.

8. “Just that house! And then I PROMISE we’ll turn around! ..oh but look, there’s a pumpkin in front of that house.. HAY LOOK LIGHTS! Okay, how about that one with the skeleton on the porch.. and that house has a bowl of candy in front!”

9. I was pretty much able to guess (with 100% accuracy!) as to which houses belonged to Indian families, much to Barbie’s amazement. Biggest clues – Diwali lights up, chalk pentagrams on the doorstep, way too many Bata sandals in front of the door, and CURRY SMELL. Pshyeah. And the mandatory Toyota Camry parked in the driveway.

10. “HOW FUNKY is your chicken?! How funky is your chicken?! How LOOSE is your GOOSE?! My goose is totally loose! So come on all you VIKE FANS! So come on all you Vike fans! And SHAKE YOUR KABOOSE! AND SHAKE YOUR KABOOSE DAMMIT WHY AREN’T YOU GUYS SHAKING YOUR KABOOSES.”

11. Candy counting! Me and Christine had 138, Barbie had 150, but it was that little creeper Caroline who beat us with 195.

12. Trading candy via the “mush pot” of unwanted candy.

13. Caroline’s sexy model dance! Oh my Caroline.. you ought to be working the corners!

14. Being with my gullies.

Epic.

Fuzzy lights in the distance I can’t quite

make out a puzzle and it’s puzzling me

I switch over to the clearer eye

a blink and there’s a sudden clarity

I’m blinded by the change in perspective

bright lights and they’re killing me

so I shut my eyes and block the light out

my only option now is to opt not to see

Written at about 2 in the AM so don’t flame me for weird grammar or sentence structure. It’s actually a song. Maybe I’ll record it someday?

- xoCG.